Why Do I Feel So Lonely in the Netherlands?

What is loneliness?

The feeling of loneliness itself is something healthy, according to Dr. Corine Dijk, Assistant Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Amsterdam. “Think of it as hunger, a signal that nudges you into action.” That reframe matters, because loneliness isn’t a personal failing. Eén tegen eenzaamheid, the Dutch government’s national program against loneliness, defines it simply as the subjective experience of an unpleasant or unacceptable lack of quality social relationships.

Loneliness isn’t one single feeling. Movisie, the Dutch national knowledge institute for social development, breaks it into two forms: emotional loneliness, missing a close bond with a partner, family member, or close friend, and social loneliness, lacking a wider circle of contacts like neighbors or a hobby group. Dr. Dijk adds a third: collective loneliness, feeling disconnected from any group or community at all. Most people experience some mix of the three.

How does it affect us?

The health effects of prolonged loneliness are serious enough that Eén tegen eenzaamheid compares having no or a very small social network to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Movisie’s research dossier lists sleep problems, unhealthy eating, reduced physical activity, and a higher risk of depression and cognitive decline among the consequences. As Dr. Dijk puts it, “when loneliness lasts too long, a vicious cycle will develop. You start having negative thoughts about yourself.”

What does it look like in day-to-day life?

In practice, loneliness rarely announces itself as one dramatic moment. It looks like a full calendar with no one to call when something goes wrong. It looks like being surrounded by colleagues all day and still going home to silence. For anyone who’s recently moved, it often shows up as homesickness, missing not just people, but the version of your life where you knew how things worked and who to call.

Who is most at risk?

Loneliness touches every age group, but some people carry more risk than others. RIVM, the Dutch national institute for public health, found that almost two-thirds of young adults (16 to 25) report feeling lonely, with women, people living alone, and those in vocational training reporting it most. Movisie also points to adults over 75, people going through a divorce, and people with disabilities as other groups at heightened risk. What connects nearly every risk group isn’t age itself, it’s a major life change: moving to a new city or country, becoming an expat, loss, illness, or job loss, the kind of disruption that breaks an existing routine and network all at once.

What causes it?

At its root, Movisie’s research points to two consistent causes: a lack of genuine connection, and a lack of consistent support. It’s rarely about being physically alone. Plenty of people with full social calendars still feel lonely, because the contact they have doesn’t meet the underlying need, for closeness, for belonging, or for a sense that their life has meaning.

Tips to help prevent loneliness.

Prevention research consistently points in one direction: build before you need it. Dutch researchers Van Campen, Vonk, and Van Tilburg found that having around four significant relationships is usually enough to prevent loneliness, and recommend building a genuinely diverse network early, family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues, rather than relying on just one type of relationship. Even something as simple as knowing your neighbors matters: people with more contacts in their own neighborhood tend to be less lonely.

In practice, that means saying yes more often than feels comfortable, whether that’s a work borrel (a casual after-work drinks gathering, a Dutch staple), a neighbor’s invitation, or a class you’ve been putting off. It means showing up to local or online groups even when motivation is low, motivation tends to follow action here, not the other way around. If you’re looking for a place to start, I wrote a full guide on how to make friends in Leeuwarden with specific local recommendations. And if things feel heavier than day-to-day tips can fix, Eén tegen eenzaamheid connects you with real, professional support groups across the Netherlands.

One of the most consistent findings in loneliness prevention research is the role of resilience, the ability to recover from setbacks. Movisie’s prevention research even points to coaching specifically as a way adults can build this resilience and prevent loneliness from taking hold in the first place.

How Empowered Connections Coaching can help.

This is exactly the kind of work I do. Whether you’re dealing with emotional loneliness, social loneliness, or that harder-to-name feeling of not belonging anywhere, coaching gives you a consistent, structured way to rebuild connection instead of waiting for it to happen on its own. We’ll use the G.R.O.W. model to turn “I should probably make more friends” into an actual plan with real next steps. Schedule a free consultation, and let’s start building the network that prevents loneliness before it takes hold.